JANICE'S BIRFDAY

I woke up this morning feeling a bit depressed.

A bit more depressed than usual.

I wonder why I woke up so depressed.

I already wake up on the wrong side of the bed I usually do after father jumps in bed with me after he tells me that he's having "nightmares" and can't sleep right.

I looked at the calendar.

I almost cried the emo makeup I had on yesterday off.

It was September 29th.

It was Janice Dullivan's birfday.

I was on the floor crying my eyes out.

It was one of the days of the year that I despise the most right next to Father's birthday and Mother's birthday.

When it's Father's birthday, he wraps me up with a red bow and throws me in the closet to play 2 hours in heaven with him.

When it's Mother's birthday she places a pricetag on me after she beats me and lets a gentlemen borrow me for the evening. I don't know what happens when the gentlemen borrows me because I black out before I do know. Usually when I wake up from it I find 5 catterpiller cacoons right next to me. One of every color of the rainbow and squishy on the inside. Ewwwwwwww.

And don't get me started on mother and father's day. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Anyways, it's Janice's birfday.

It's birfday instead of birthday because she's weird like that.

I remember what happened last year I forgot to call it a birfday instead of birthday.

It was at the same time when I forgot it was her birthday. I MEAN BIRFDAY.

She went bezerk.

Her face turned purple and her nappy hair spikes up like father when he sees me.

She kept throwing me down the stairs and up the stairs and across the stairs and upside down the stairs.

And there's alot of stairs at our school.

There are still bloodstains on the staircases.

It's not because the janitors are lazy and don't clean it.

My inbred emo redneck blood mixed with the period blood of the hill billy girls who don't wear underwear or even heard of tampons.

Rumor has it that they use Bounty, because it's the one quicker upper.

Anyways, I had get ready for school.

I had to avoid Janice all day.

If she sees me, she might remember and throw me all over the staircases!

I didn't want no inbred hilly billy period juice all over my new skinny jeans :(.

So then I went on down to boogie town to get Janice a birfday present, in case she sees me and beats the fucking shit out of me for one.

I got her the most favoritest thing in the world for her.

It's an orange ball with strips on it.

She likes to play with it a lot on cement.

I don't know what's so cool about it.

It's just a ball.

I have two balls.

She plays with those two.

But not on cement.

And without my permission sometimes.

So I went to school and guess who was there.

Janice.

She was standing at the front door waiting for me.

I knew she was waiting for me because she had a pissy look on her face.

I used the magic cloak I stole from Larry Botter and tried to get invisible

But I forgot that my emo body odor is strong enough to take down a bullet proof glass.

She sniffed my scent with those huge orange nose of her and she grabbed me and slammed me against the ground.

I can feel her crushing me bones.

My tiny little emo bones.

I told her to get off of me plz yo.

She was like WHERES MY PRSEENT AT YO.

I told her to holdup yo while I go gets it yo.

She got off of me and said aight then yo.

I gave her her present.

She opened it.

It was an orange ball.

Her eyes sparkled for some reason.

It was weird.

Then she hugged me.

She held me really tight and said Thanks Andy its like the most best present evar.

I told her ew get the fuck off of me yous dirty.

Then she did her heyena laugh again.

Oh that heyena laugh.

Then she grabbed my arm really tight and walked up the staircase.

Then she squeezed my arm and said this is going to be the bestest day evar.

I told her yeah.

Then I said Happy birthday Janice.

Then she stopped.

She glared at me with those wanna be asian eyes of hers.

She grabbed me really tight and asked me what did I just say.

I told her happy birthday Janice.

Then I realized what I had done.

I said birthday.

Instead of birfday.

Oh shit.

Then she threw me down the stairs.

And up the stairs.

And across the stairs.

And upsidedown the stairs.

Ohh that Emmily

So there's this new chick at school who goes by Emmily.

Ohh that Emmily.

She always skips around and smiles and makes a fool of herself when she trips and falls down the stairs and breaks half of her limbs.

Ohh that Emmily.

She's so fun when she carries her pet brick to school and people pick it up and throws it at the windows.

Ohh that Emmily.

So hilarious when she eats lasagna finding out that she's allergic to 45 of the spices in it and her tongue ended up bleeding and she almost drowned herself.

Ohh that Emmily.

When she puts on a wig in school everyone starts talking to her and becomes friends with her. 

Then when the wig comes out she gets jumped and thrown in the trash bin.

Ohh that Emmily.

I think I'm gonna talk to her and become friends with her!

So I talked to her today in the hallway.

She looked at me and smiled.

Ohh that Emmily.

She squeezed my nipples and milk squirted all over her.

Ohh that Emmily.

She was lactose intolerant.

Ohh that Emmily.

The milk lit her up on fire.

Ohh that Emmily.

Everyone tried to put out the fire by spitting at her.

Ohh that Emmily.

She just lost THE GAME

The flirting janitor

That italian janitor pete's been eye balling me lately.

He always tries to go clean hallways that I go to just to sneak a peek at me.

I feel so disturbed.

But loved at the same time.

He looks so romantic.

With his bushy white mustache and his centipede brown unibrows that just fits well with his hairy chest, with strands of hair piercing through the woven threads of his shirt.

He just screams abercrombie boy models.

He even goes as far to sneak a peek at me in the locker rooms when I took Gym Class.

Sometimes when I notice him I strip slowly for him in the way that I saw mother did when I accidently opened the door to the garage and she was surrounded by a crowd of truck drivers.

I can tell he was pleased.

One day though he actually came up to talk to me.

My heart was pounding when he did.

He must have alot of confidence if he came up to me to make the first move.

I kind of giggled and stuff. I hear guys are into that.

He said to me

MAMA MIA, YOUSA PRITTY LADY.

I was confused.

I said excuse me?

He said

YOUSA HEARDA MIA. I'DA STICKA BONA INYOU POOOOOOOOOOSY.

I was apalled.

To think that he thought I was a female.

I cried and ran into the boys bathroom for comfort.

I sat on the stall where everyone contracts hepititis K in.

I didn't care because I already had hepititis M to V.

He busted open my stall with his super cool janitor keys and says to me

EY PRETTY GURLA. WATCHU DOINA IN DA BOYSA BATHROOMA?

I told him that I was a male and he was mistaken.

He got mad.

He got very mad.

He told me

SOS I JERKDA OFF TA YA LITTLE BOYO ASSA WHENSA YOUSA BRUSHIN YER TEETHA?

Oh god he's a stalker.

I cross my fingernails for a happy ending.

He then started eating a mushroom and jumped on top of me and I squished down.

The ending wasn't so happy.

The playground bullies

I went out to recess today because my principal told me that kids make friends in recess while playing out in the sun and get scraped when they slip and fall

he likes it when kids slip and fall

their asses stick up in the air

he likes asses.

i like asses too.


I walked up to the swing sets to wait in line to get on the swings.

something abuot the swings makes an emo kid wanna fly and i wanna fly because when everyone will look up at me and be like "WHOAH WTFUX IS DAT"

while i was waiting these two guys came up to me, Tim and Jason.

Jason was like
"Ew wtf is that pants shitter doing here"

i only shitted my pants once when mr. rawr rawr wanted to give me a personal inspection during free flu shot day and i pulled my pants down for him to look at and i accidently poop-ied all over his bare lap becausae he also pulled his pants down too.

tim was like
"ew omfg hes crying, why the fuck are you crying pants shitter?"

i wasn't even crying

i accidently came in my pants when they walked over and i tried cleaning it up and my hands got really dirty so i whiped it on my face

jason pushed me onto the ground and was like
"EW WTF, WHYS HE ALL WET"

tim picked me up and i slipped out of his hands and it was like
"EW HES ALL SLIMEY AND GROSS"

i whiped on my shirt too because i started tasting something squirmy in my mouth and i didn't wanna releive the same taste at home when my daddy gives it to me every sunday on GODS DAY.

they started throwing sand at me and i think they know that sand is every emo's weakness because sand can put out fire and fire is HOT and emo's are hot too.

tim walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and whispered
"hey, i don't mean to hurt you. i think you should give me a call and uhh we'll talk about this over some pina colada."

jason walked over and was like

"TIM, WHY ARE YOU BITING HIS EAR? ONLY YOU CAN BITE ON MY EARS!"

tim walked over and had his hands on his hips and was like,
"Jason, like honey, we've talked about this before and this has like, totally gotta stop."

"Stop what tim? I thought being bullies would conceal our sexuality, but I totally guess that was wrong."

"tim, well your wrong, just like how wrong you were when you told me the condem wasn't expired."

"WELL HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW TIM, WHO READS THOSE BEFORE YOU GET LAID?"

"I DO JASON. I DO."

"WELL STFU TIM I HATE YOU."

"WELL JASON, I HATE YOU AND YOUR NEED A PERM LOOKIN ASS."

i was going to kill myself.

they kept talking and talking and talking in those shrill female voices that reminds me of sanjaya.

i yelled out a cry for help and a symbol of an E came up in the sky and then 5 groups of kids in tacky black clothes came out with bad use of makeup.

jason and tim turned around and was like
"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??"

and they said they were the Emo Five!

this asian girl with yucky pink hair jumped out and was lke

"MY NAME IS DEAD SOULS FROM UNDER THE DESK!"

a big blak guy came out and was like

"MY NAME IS A DARK BEING FROM A DARK BEING"

a pale white dude came out and was like

"THEY CALL ME THE MINTY TIC TAC"

and this other white chick with blonde hair came out and was like

"THEY CALL ME THE DARK MAGICIAN!"

and this latino dude with blue hair came out and was like

"ME LLAMO EDUARDO!"

then after that they called jason and tim faggots and jumped them til they straightened up.

Andy and the librarian

Today I had to go to the library to look up about oysters for my biology project

this is suppose to be a group project but my 5 other male partners told me that if I don't do the work myself, they'll keep spanking me.

I usually wouldn't do the work with those kinda threats but my mom told me if i don't do the work, i'll have to clean my dads ear with my tongue.

I went to the library and met Mrs. Finch, the librarian took her hand out of her pants and smacked me.

she said WHAT ARE YOU DOING HER?????? WHY ARE YOU BACK HERE???????????

last week I got banned from the library for masturbating to the harry potter books in the back room.

theres just something about a lonely english boy who has to play with his wooden stick that just turns me on.

she said GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERERERE CANT YOU SEE IM BUSY?>????

she stuck her hand back in her pants and had a nauseaic look on her face.

I dunno why but she looked so hot at that moment.

i wanted to get in between those 80 year old ancient legs and just be an archaeologist and study the ruins within.

Theres been a rumor that she's a virgin because she can never ever ever get a man because she said shes HIV positive but she's been diagnosed with HIV 60 years ago so no one knows wtf shes talkin abuot.

I put my face where she slapped me and felt something wet and hairy.

I looked at my hand and saw gray strands of hair with brown clots and a funky smell.

I took a big whiff and moaned out loud then stuck it own my pants.


I got to the oyster sectoin and looked up oysters.

I read that oyster's penises are bigger than the oyster themselves.

I wish my dick was bigger than me.

Then I'd be able to show daddy how it feels when he shows off around me in the house, park, mall, and church.

Alluvusudden I looked at the penis.

I was amazed by the penis.

I wanted to reach my hand into the book and just caress the penis.

I wanted to feel the wet fluids coming out of the penis that reminds me of tropical punch koolaid.

I took out my tongue and just slid it on the oysters penis.

I actually tasted something.

It tasted like boogers.

My boogers.

I quickly took my own penis out and shoved it through the pages and was screaming out hard and loud.

"ZOMG, OYSTER, YOU FEEL SO GOOD! ZOMG!!!"


I was about to make ranch sauce the librarian came outwith her hand in her pants and stared at me.

"WHAT IS YOU DOIN ANDY"

she caught me with my pants, socks, shoes, shirt, and boxers off, with a full erection penetrating through the hard cover book.

I turned around facing her.

"I CAN EXPLAIN MS. FITCH!"

then I shot my ranch sauce and it went up into her mouth.

I was like, "OMFG NO MRS FITCH!"

I took the book out and had a bazillion papercuts all over my fucking dick.

"OMFG, I JUST GAVE MY PENIS PAIN WITHOUT THE INTENTION OF DOING IT!!"

Mrs. Fitch fell on the ground first and then I laid on top of her with my bleeding penis all over her coochie area.

That entire week everyone stayed away from be because they said im HIV positive for popping mrs. fitch's cherry and shooting my load in her mouth.

Hmmmmm school lunch part 1

I got to be the lunch lady today at school! :DD

I got the regular lunch lady sick when I kissed her the other day and I had blisters all over my lips.

I dunno where the blisters came from though, but I saw the same blisters on my fathers YOUKNOWWHAT.

The principal told me to serve meatloaf surprise because he said thats the only thing that the kids are allowed to eat because the last time someone had a meal besides meatloaf, he died of the bird flu.

I had to put on my fishing net on my head because i couldnt find a hair net since they didn't have one my size.

I was going to make the meatloaf and was looking around for the recipie book for meatloaf.

i couldn't find any recipie for meatloaf anywheres

the kids were coming into for lunch in 20 minutes and I had to do somethin or else they'll eat me.

then I had an idea!

I got my trusty cutting knife and carved into my skin and released the meat into a baking pan.

I got the meat from my wrists, my thigh, my ass, my stomach, my ears, anywhere that's tasty from a chicken.

The kids came ina nd I served them food and adding red sauce to it.

btw the red sauce is blood. tehehehehehehehehehehe.

Omg, like what a bitch

So theres this new girl in school who goes by the name Bennie

I'm like, mad jelous of her because shes totally more emo than me.

She goes aroudn cutting her boobs in class and all the guys be looking and yelling, OMFG TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT with teh teacher yelling behind them.

She also writes the most emoiest poems like, evar

her latest poem that was on the bathroom wall was

I WILL HORRIFICLY SPAWN BROKEN EGGSHELLS FROM THE BAKERY DOWN THE STREET ADN MAKE THEM FLY AROUND CUTTING YOUR FLESH WHILE THE SHELLS CUT OFF THE BALLS FROM THE MALE AND PUT THEM IN BAKING BATTER WHILE THE FEMALES WILL COOK ME SOME BROWNIES BECAUSE IM HUNGRY AS FUCK.

She like, not only was the biggest emo in school, she was also the biggest bully too

She took this kid's lunch money so she could buy marbles so she can throw them at this one kid so she can jack his pistol so she can rob the bank.

shes like, so fucking badass.

She went up to me one day and asked how I was doing.

I flicked her off and was like

"bitch, get the fahk away from meehs"

and she was like

"bitch wtfux, i tryin to be coo witchu and wtfux"

and i was like

"getcho need a perm lookin ass outta here"

then she got really pissed off and was like

"BITCH NO YOU DII'NT"

and I was like "BITCH I DIIT"

then she took off her belt.

I took out my belt.

She took out her hat.

I took out my hat.

She took off her earrings.

I took off my earings.

She took off her high heels.

I took off my high heels.

She rubbed her makeup off.

I rubbed my makeup off.

She took off her tampon.

I took off the rolled up red soak paper towel out of my ass.

She tackled me and scratched my nose and I pushed her away and I pinched her nipples as she screamed "OMFGUX DAT HURTS LIKE SHIETT"

then she pinched my niplpes and i was like
"OMFG DAT DOES HURTS LIKE SHIETT"

then I grabbed my knife.

She grabs her machete.

I was like "Wtfux wheres da hells you git dat"

and she was like "betch dis be my emo knife"

and I was like "holy shiets you hardcore as fuhks"

then she came up and slashed my right arm off.

I was like "OMFGUX YOU FUCKIN SLASHED OFF MY RIGHT ARM"

then I laid in my puddle of blood.

I licked it so I could get it back in my body.

Which is stupid because if I suck it up it won't go back in because i'll just shit/pee it out.

then she was also laying next to me and tried to drink up my blood.

I was like "omg, you likes mah shit too?"

then she was like "ohh yeahh dis shit be on fire"

and im like "omfuxinggod like, i totally know what you mean"

then i was about to kiss her thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

i twisted her titties again and jumpe dup

i was like

"YEAH BITCH!!!! I DA HARDCORE EMO NOW!"

then next I remembered was lieing in the nurses office with a machete in my belly.