Ohh that Emmily

So there's this new chick at school who goes by Emmily.

Ohh that Emmily.

She always skips around and smiles and makes a fool of herself when she trips and falls down the stairs and breaks half of her limbs.

Ohh that Emmily.

She's so fun when she carries her pet brick to school and people pick it up and throws it at the windows.

Ohh that Emmily.

So hilarious when she eats lasagna finding out that she's allergic to 45 of the spices in it and her tongue ended up bleeding and she almost drowned herself.

Ohh that Emmily.

When she puts on a wig in school everyone starts talking to her and becomes friends with her. 

Then when the wig comes out she gets jumped and thrown in the trash bin.

Ohh that Emmily.

I think I'm gonna talk to her and become friends with her!

So I talked to her today in the hallway.

She looked at me and smiled.

Ohh that Emmily.

She squeezed my nipples and milk squirted all over her.

Ohh that Emmily.

She was lactose intolerant.

Ohh that Emmily.

The milk lit her up on fire.

Ohh that Emmily.

Everyone tried to put out the fire by spitting at her.

Ohh that Emmily.

She just lost THE GAME

The flirting janitor

That italian janitor pete's been eye balling me lately.

He always tries to go clean hallways that I go to just to sneak a peek at me.

I feel so disturbed.

But loved at the same time.

He looks so romantic.

With his bushy white mustache and his centipede brown unibrows that just fits well with his hairy chest, with strands of hair piercing through the woven threads of his shirt.

He just screams abercrombie boy models.

He even goes as far to sneak a peek at me in the locker rooms when I took Gym Class.

Sometimes when I notice him I strip slowly for him in the way that I saw mother did when I accidently opened the door to the garage and she was surrounded by a crowd of truck drivers.

I can tell he was pleased.

One day though he actually came up to talk to me.

My heart was pounding when he did.

He must have alot of confidence if he came up to me to make the first move.

I kind of giggled and stuff. I hear guys are into that.

He said to me

MAMA MIA, YOUSA PRITTY LADY.

I was confused.

I said excuse me?

He said

YOUSA HEARDA MIA. I'DA STICKA BONA INYOU POOOOOOOOOOSY.

I was apalled.

To think that he thought I was a female.

I cried and ran into the boys bathroom for comfort.

I sat on the stall where everyone contracts hepititis K in.

I didn't care because I already had hepititis M to V.

He busted open my stall with his super cool janitor keys and says to me

EY PRETTY GURLA. WATCHU DOINA IN DA BOYSA BATHROOMA?

I told him that I was a male and he was mistaken.

He got mad.

He got very mad.

He told me

SOS I JERKDA OFF TA YA LITTLE BOYO ASSA WHENSA YOUSA BRUSHIN YER TEETHA?

Oh god he's a stalker.

I cross my fingernails for a happy ending.

He then started eating a mushroom and jumped on top of me and I squished down.

The ending wasn't so happy.

The playground bullies

I went out to recess today because my principal told me that kids make friends in recess while playing out in the sun and get scraped when they slip and fall

he likes it when kids slip and fall

their asses stick up in the air

he likes asses.

i like asses too.


I walked up to the swing sets to wait in line to get on the swings.

something abuot the swings makes an emo kid wanna fly and i wanna fly because when everyone will look up at me and be like "WHOAH WTFUX IS DAT"

while i was waiting these two guys came up to me, Tim and Jason.

Jason was like
"Ew wtf is that pants shitter doing here"

i only shitted my pants once when mr. rawr rawr wanted to give me a personal inspection during free flu shot day and i pulled my pants down for him to look at and i accidently poop-ied all over his bare lap becausae he also pulled his pants down too.

tim was like
"ew omfg hes crying, why the fuck are you crying pants shitter?"

i wasn't even crying

i accidently came in my pants when they walked over and i tried cleaning it up and my hands got really dirty so i whiped it on my face

jason pushed me onto the ground and was like
"EW WTF, WHYS HE ALL WET"

tim picked me up and i slipped out of his hands and it was like
"EW HES ALL SLIMEY AND GROSS"

i whiped on my shirt too because i started tasting something squirmy in my mouth and i didn't wanna releive the same taste at home when my daddy gives it to me every sunday on GODS DAY.

they started throwing sand at me and i think they know that sand is every emo's weakness because sand can put out fire and fire is HOT and emo's are hot too.

tim walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and whispered
"hey, i don't mean to hurt you. i think you should give me a call and uhh we'll talk about this over some pina colada."

jason walked over and was like

"TIM, WHY ARE YOU BITING HIS EAR? ONLY YOU CAN BITE ON MY EARS!"

tim walked over and had his hands on his hips and was like,
"Jason, like honey, we've talked about this before and this has like, totally gotta stop."

"Stop what tim? I thought being bullies would conceal our sexuality, but I totally guess that was wrong."

"tim, well your wrong, just like how wrong you were when you told me the condem wasn't expired."

"WELL HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW TIM, WHO READS THOSE BEFORE YOU GET LAID?"

"I DO JASON. I DO."

"WELL STFU TIM I HATE YOU."

"WELL JASON, I HATE YOU AND YOUR NEED A PERM LOOKIN ASS."

i was going to kill myself.

they kept talking and talking and talking in those shrill female voices that reminds me of sanjaya.

i yelled out a cry for help and a symbol of an E came up in the sky and then 5 groups of kids in tacky black clothes came out with bad use of makeup.

jason and tim turned around and was like
"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??"

and they said they were the Emo Five!

this asian girl with yucky pink hair jumped out and was lke

"MY NAME IS DEAD SOULS FROM UNDER THE DESK!"

a big blak guy came out and was like

"MY NAME IS A DARK BEING FROM A DARK BEING"

a pale white dude came out and was like

"THEY CALL ME THE MINTY TIC TAC"

and this other white chick with blonde hair came out and was like

"THEY CALL ME THE DARK MAGICIAN!"

and this latino dude with blue hair came out and was like

"ME LLAMO EDUARDO!"

then after that they called jason and tim faggots and jumped them til they straightened up.

Andy and the librarian

Today I had to go to the library to look up about oysters for my biology project

this is suppose to be a group project but my 5 other male partners told me that if I don't do the work myself, they'll keep spanking me.

I usually wouldn't do the work with those kinda threats but my mom told me if i don't do the work, i'll have to clean my dads ear with my tongue.

I went to the library and met Mrs. Finch, the librarian took her hand out of her pants and smacked me.

she said WHAT ARE YOU DOING HER?????? WHY ARE YOU BACK HERE???????????

last week I got banned from the library for masturbating to the harry potter books in the back room.

theres just something about a lonely english boy who has to play with his wooden stick that just turns me on.

she said GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERERERE CANT YOU SEE IM BUSY?>????

she stuck her hand back in her pants and had a nauseaic look on her face.

I dunno why but she looked so hot at that moment.

i wanted to get in between those 80 year old ancient legs and just be an archaeologist and study the ruins within.

Theres been a rumor that she's a virgin because she can never ever ever get a man because she said shes HIV positive but she's been diagnosed with HIV 60 years ago so no one knows wtf shes talkin abuot.

I put my face where she slapped me and felt something wet and hairy.

I looked at my hand and saw gray strands of hair with brown clots and a funky smell.

I took a big whiff and moaned out loud then stuck it own my pants.


I got to the oyster sectoin and looked up oysters.

I read that oyster's penises are bigger than the oyster themselves.

I wish my dick was bigger than me.

Then I'd be able to show daddy how it feels when he shows off around me in the house, park, mall, and church.

Alluvusudden I looked at the penis.

I was amazed by the penis.

I wanted to reach my hand into the book and just caress the penis.

I wanted to feel the wet fluids coming out of the penis that reminds me of tropical punch koolaid.

I took out my tongue and just slid it on the oysters penis.

I actually tasted something.

It tasted like boogers.

My boogers.

I quickly took my own penis out and shoved it through the pages and was screaming out hard and loud.

"ZOMG, OYSTER, YOU FEEL SO GOOD! ZOMG!!!"


I was about to make ranch sauce the librarian came outwith her hand in her pants and stared at me.

"WHAT IS YOU DOIN ANDY"

she caught me with my pants, socks, shoes, shirt, and boxers off, with a full erection penetrating through the hard cover book.

I turned around facing her.

"I CAN EXPLAIN MS. FITCH!"

then I shot my ranch sauce and it went up into her mouth.

I was like, "OMFG NO MRS FITCH!"

I took the book out and had a bazillion papercuts all over my fucking dick.

"OMFG, I JUST GAVE MY PENIS PAIN WITHOUT THE INTENTION OF DOING IT!!"

Mrs. Fitch fell on the ground first and then I laid on top of her with my bleeding penis all over her coochie area.

That entire week everyone stayed away from be because they said im HIV positive for popping mrs. fitch's cherry and shooting my load in her mouth.

Hmmmmm school lunch part 1

I got to be the lunch lady today at school! :DD

I got the regular lunch lady sick when I kissed her the other day and I had blisters all over my lips.

I dunno where the blisters came from though, but I saw the same blisters on my fathers YOUKNOWWHAT.

The principal told me to serve meatloaf surprise because he said thats the only thing that the kids are allowed to eat because the last time someone had a meal besides meatloaf, he died of the bird flu.

I had to put on my fishing net on my head because i couldnt find a hair net since they didn't have one my size.

I was going to make the meatloaf and was looking around for the recipie book for meatloaf.

i couldn't find any recipie for meatloaf anywheres

the kids were coming into for lunch in 20 minutes and I had to do somethin or else they'll eat me.

then I had an idea!

I got my trusty cutting knife and carved into my skin and released the meat into a baking pan.

I got the meat from my wrists, my thigh, my ass, my stomach, my ears, anywhere that's tasty from a chicken.

The kids came ina nd I served them food and adding red sauce to it.

btw the red sauce is blood. tehehehehehehehehehehe.

Omg, like what a bitch

So theres this new girl in school who goes by the name Bennie

I'm like, mad jelous of her because shes totally more emo than me.

She goes aroudn cutting her boobs in class and all the guys be looking and yelling, OMFG TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT with teh teacher yelling behind them.

She also writes the most emoiest poems like, evar

her latest poem that was on the bathroom wall was

I WILL HORRIFICLY SPAWN BROKEN EGGSHELLS FROM THE BAKERY DOWN THE STREET ADN MAKE THEM FLY AROUND CUTTING YOUR FLESH WHILE THE SHELLS CUT OFF THE BALLS FROM THE MALE AND PUT THEM IN BAKING BATTER WHILE THE FEMALES WILL COOK ME SOME BROWNIES BECAUSE IM HUNGRY AS FUCK.

She like, not only was the biggest emo in school, she was also the biggest bully too

She took this kid's lunch money so she could buy marbles so she can throw them at this one kid so she can jack his pistol so she can rob the bank.

shes like, so fucking badass.

She went up to me one day and asked how I was doing.

I flicked her off and was like

"bitch, get the fahk away from meehs"

and she was like

"bitch wtfux, i tryin to be coo witchu and wtfux"

and i was like

"getcho need a perm lookin ass outta here"

then she got really pissed off and was like

"BITCH NO YOU DII'NT"

and I was like "BITCH I DIIT"

then she took off her belt.

I took out my belt.

She took out her hat.

I took out my hat.

She took off her earrings.

I took off my earings.

She took off her high heels.

I took off my high heels.

She rubbed her makeup off.

I rubbed my makeup off.

She took off her tampon.

I took off the rolled up red soak paper towel out of my ass.

She tackled me and scratched my nose and I pushed her away and I pinched her nipples as she screamed "OMFGUX DAT HURTS LIKE SHIETT"

then she pinched my niplpes and i was like
"OMFG DAT DOES HURTS LIKE SHIETT"

then I grabbed my knife.

She grabs her machete.

I was like "Wtfux wheres da hells you git dat"

and she was like "betch dis be my emo knife"

and I was like "holy shiets you hardcore as fuhks"

then she came up and slashed my right arm off.

I was like "OMFGUX YOU FUCKIN SLASHED OFF MY RIGHT ARM"

then I laid in my puddle of blood.

I licked it so I could get it back in my body.

Which is stupid because if I suck it up it won't go back in because i'll just shit/pee it out.

then she was also laying next to me and tried to drink up my blood.

I was like "omg, you likes mah shit too?"

then she was like "ohh yeahh dis shit be on fire"

and im like "omfuxinggod like, i totally know what you mean"

then i was about to kiss her thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

i twisted her titties again and jumpe dup

i was like

"YEAH BITCH!!!! I DA HARDCORE EMO NOW!"

then next I remembered was lieing in the nurses office with a machete in my belly.

Shes a liar

someone at school found out about my blogs

her name is janice dullivan.

she said she likes my blogs alot and says it that I should keep writing more.

I think I have a reason to live now

she keeps eating with me at lunch and keeps talking about stupid stuff like algebra 2 and basketball and stuff.

I dunno why but she looked so hawt for a orange girl.

I took my right hand and placed it on her left breast and she gave me a look and our convo was like

"wtf are you doing?"
"I thought i was suppose to do that"
"what the fuck do you mean?"
"i've seen it in movies"
"what movies do you be watching?"
"if you've read my blogs, you should know what movies im talking about"

then she giggled and I was shocked.

she had the most horrid laugh i've ever heard.

it soudned like 2 bluebirds were having intercourse during a construction site and hayeanas were screaming as they were getting gang banged by screamo metal bands.

I quickly ran into my next class and mr.rawrrawr gave me a look

I said OMFG THERES A SERIAL KILLER AFTER ME AND SHES BEHIND THIS DOOR

he walked up and pushed me aside and letted janice in and he said Be my guest.

next thing she sat next to me and kept giggling.

omfg i wanted to stuff some thanksgiving stuffing into her throat.

how could such a human being be born with such a demonic laugh.

it's like as if she was born from satin and was raised by a howler monkey.

I scooted her closer to the window so I could push her off and let the evil spiders pick her up and drag her back to the cave where she came out of.

then janice looked at me and said she likes me.

i was like omfg.

someone likes me.

i looked at her and was like

is you furreals.

then she was like giggling again and was like totally.

I fringed when she giggled but smiled when she said totally.

i held hands with her afterschool after i cutted myself.

the blood was all over her hands and she licked it.

it was very erotic.

hehehehhehehehhehehehehehehehehehe.

a week later she told me she lied all about it.

she only said she liked me so she could experience the emo relatoinship.

i got back at her by writing in the boys locker room

JANICE DULLIVAN IS A SLUT.


a week later she contracted HIV.

Emo Andy made the basketball team

My dad told me to join the basket ball team because he says i need to practice to handle balls

better because i keep dropping them whenever i see my dad drops his pants.

i told my gym teacher i wanted to join the basketball team and he said

"Get cho fuckin emo muthafuckin titty fucking ass outta here you little fucker"

so I turned aroudn and walked out of the gym then alluvusudden a jock yelled out

"HEY LETS TEABAG THAT EMO KID"

then he threw a basketball at my head so i can get knocked unconcious so he and his big fat toned sexy hunk of jock friends come and have their way with me

but the ball boucned out of my head and made it into the basket.

the teacher saw me and said

"Wow you little fucker, you made a fucking basket, I need someone like you for fuckin shit."

he slapped a uniform on me with the number 69 on it and it had lots of holes on it.

he said the hole came from the last kid who didn't made the winning basket and the entire team

took turns ripping a hole in his uniform with their penis while he was still wearing it.

later on we had practice and everyone gave me looks when their penises were erect.

we went into the locker room and everyone whistled at me and kept saying they wish I had a vagina.

ohh how I wish I did have a vagina at that moment.

then this guy Randy, who threw the ball at me picked me up with the hair on my testicles and said

"DONT FUCKIN RUIN THIS GAME FOR ME TONIGHT OR IM FIST YOOH"

I said okay and crossed my fingers

ohh i hope he fists me.

because i hear that fisting is the equivelant of riding a bike without a seat on it.

so that night we started sucking the game because I kept giving the ball to the other team because they said they knew where i live and were gonna blow my head off.

i only gave them the ball because i thoguht they said they were gonna blow my head off, as in my penis's head.

we eventually tied when coach put me on the bench and told me to stop fuckin fuck up the mutha fuckin game you little fuckin albino spoon fucker.

we tied the other team 1 to 1 and he said he needed someone out there to make the winning shot.

I saw Randy out there really sweaty and tired so I wanted to help him out.

I took the knife I hid in my hair and threw it at randy and it went through his throat and he had to go to the emergency room right away.

yessssss.

then the announcer people guys says the game has ended because someone is severiously enjured in the game.

yessssss.

i quickly ran up there and rubbed my body with his blood that was on the floor.

yesssssssss.

Andy and the asian

I saw this hawt asian guy at school that i've been stalkin for weeks

his names Meng and hes like those short asians that are buff as fuck with small penises.

gosh i love men with small penises, we have so much in common.

I figured that I was going to admit my feeling for him so I came up to him before geometry

I came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulders. I twirled my hair so I can get him hard, I

hear asians really love that kinda stuff.

He turned around and looked at me from head to toe and shooked said, "Wat dew yooh wahnt?"

I started blushing and giggled at his accent. He shooked his head at me and said "wite boi yooh betta moob o I gunna kicks yo hass"

I asked him does is he in a relatoinship

Then a girl name Shantifwa walked up to him and was sticking her tongue in his earlobes.

I gulped and putted my hand down my pants to stroke it the beast

I gave him these black roses I picked from some womans grave and said 'these are for you'

He looked at it and threw it at the ground.

I looked into those sideways asian eyes and watered a bit.

"How can I prove my love to you?!"

I quickly rubbed my hand on his shoulders and moved my head closer to kiss him and he pushed me away. My eyeliner started leaking and I was on the ground crying.

He said "betch, dun FACK WIT MI OR I CAWL MAH BRO AND HE FRUM DA FEETCONG"

He started walking away and I saw the life we coulda had together flashing through my eyes. How is he gonna have babies with me when I go through a sex change? I quickly yelled out
yelled out, "I LOVE YOU MENG, I FUCKING LOVE YOUUU!" I ran up behind him, pulled his pants and boxers down and was about to open my mouth wide when he sawked me in my right jaw.


I was rushed to the hospital right away because they thought I was bleeding black stuff, but it was actually my eyeliner.